Monthly Archives: June 2008

My best friend is an avid reader of horror novels, Anne Rice, the humorous Macalister novels, even some Patricia Briggs werewolf-type fiction. I do too, sometimes, though occasionally I’ll switch over to my best owl buddy’s collection and read some David Klass; something about people and societies and whatnot.

Needless to say, she’s sort of a fiction freak, my good friend. I’ll call her…Rice. That would amuse her.

One day, in a text, she said to me, “I’d want to be a vampire.”

And suddenly I realized how much that would suck eggs. It is one thing to be dependent on food, such as plants or meat, but it’s a completely other thing to be dependent on another species. Wouldn’t that be the pits? You wouldn’t be these big badasses because in the end everyone would know how you stay alive, and be able to take advantage of that.

“Why?” I asked her. Because really, I didn’t know.

“I’d want to live forever,” she told me. I could believe that one. I’ve thought it often enough myself.

If I lived forever, I would be miserable. Just the thought that I’ll be dealing with all the idiots and violence in the world, forever, would make me depressed. And besides, a million lifetimes spent drinking blood. The same thing, over and over. It’s like I read in a book once, “what about blood clots? Or diabetics? Does it taste bad when you eat garlic, or when the blood coagulates in your throat?”

Good questions. Ones I’d never want to answer.

“I wouldn’t want to live forever with my mistakes,” was all I replied. Because I didn’t want to crush any dreams or anything like that. Rice knows it isn’t real, but she doesn’t know it wouldn’t be as nice as they make it out in the movies or books. Really. Even the tough plots wouldn’t be so realistic.

So no, eternity is out of the question. Realistically and as a…future goal. How terrible! That your relatives would never pass on. Cruel though it may be.

Wind. Shivers, rushing beneath skin, trembles through fingers. Hair, blown forward, wild.

The canyon wall stretches on, into darkness—where’s the end? Or, perhaps, the end is just the beginning…

The beginning of…?

Feet slip. Slivers of stone tumble down, disappear. It’s the tempting of death—the abyss—that’s so intoxicating. It calls.

Freefall. A searing glimpse of death.

Then the save. Arms are yanked upward. Cloth catches the breeze—colors dyed to mimic fiery cliff faces.

Oh, to fly! To keep going, never stop; not for walls, people, nor societies. To flaunt the end, to start anew;

The ultimate.

It’s a far cry from home, California, despite only being a state or so over. Where I am, near Sacramento, it’s hilly and the grass is tall and yellow. The rolling landscape and trees make it seem like a picture right out of Africa. Not that I’ve ever been to Africa.

I’m on vacation again, this time visiting relatives who aren’t very relative at all. This is why I love staying home; because I know what the rules are–spoken and unspoken–and that reassures me.

There are a few things that I know, though. Being here, is the ultimate loneliness. I realized it when I was given a pullout bed–incidentally, the bed is in a car far from the house–and when I tried texting my friends, they came back even though I had 5 bars and network service. Sigh. My materialistic life style suffers on vacation, I admit. Perhaps someday I won’t need to say, “im crshed nite lol” to others in order to get a restful night sleep. I’m exhausted because it bothered me that I couldn’t reply to a text sent to me, asking a question.

It was, possibly, the most lonely thing I’ve ever imagined. I’m here with just my dad, and it’s not like I talk to him anyway so it’s like being all alone. When I went out for the night, I discovered that the lighting in the car was very dim indeed. I wanted that flashlight that was offered to me, despite it being the weaker thing to do.

The screens wouldn’t close. They were roped open because the mechanism that pulls them up was broken.

The bed was cold but it was stiflingly hot and humid. Smoke from the 800-plus wildfires blocked my view of the house, the garden, and just about everything else outside the car. I couldn’t roll up the windows because I didn’t have the keys to start the engine.

It grew darker and I just sat there for a while, thinking and wondering and missing home. What I want the most right now is to hold my puppies. I keep thinking that every noise is one of them, rolling around or tugging at the hem of my shorts. When it turns out to be nothing but imagination and the willingness to believe, I read.

And keep reading. I mean, it’s not like I’ll be able to sleep.

It’s true, then: grow up one way and every other feels wrong. I grew up with people, and despite enjoying solitude more than most company, being so alone felt so off.

When I went back into the house to retrieve some toothpaste–arrg I have complaints about that in a moment–the house was so quiet. My dad’s bedroom door was shut and the couple we’re staying with was sleeping in the loft upstairs. So I dug around and found some toothpaste and retreated, because loneliness isn’t one of those things you mention to just anybody.

Yesterday we flew ExpressJet, and they fed us until I was sick to my stomach. I spent the entire time with my nose glued to the window, and if Superman flew by just then, I wouldn’t have cared enough to notice. My eyes were all for the landscape, the Sierra Nevadas, the Sacramento River.

That’s not my problem. My problem wasn’t the security personnel either. It bugs me that I had to buy a small bottle of contact solution because my other was just one ounce too big. It bothers me that I had to leave my toothpaste behind because it was too big, that I was afraid to pack nail clippers–I mean really, nail clippers?–and a shaving razor for fear we’d be stopped. “I think the ITA guys just like pawing through people’s underwear,” my dad told me. I thought he was being ridiculously high-handed for saying it. They’re just people doing their jobs, for heaven’s sake.

No; security let us through and one of them even smiled at me and I smiled back.

What bothered me was the people. I went and sat down, and my dad dumped his luggage on me so he could go buy a soda that he ended up just throwing out because our flight arrived.

The looks! There was an elderly couple and when they passed be me, they moved far around. There was a businessman explaining something to his friend, and every once in a while they would look around suspiciously. And be comforted by the fact that there were two security officers standing nearby, looking around and laughing and drinking coffee as if the terrorists hadn’t already won.

That’s what my dad said, too. Sometimes he says the stupidest things, things that I already know because I’m not oblivious, but sometimes he says things that make a bit of sense. That’s what he said when we were packing.

“The terrorists have already won,” he said.

And I thought about the meaning of the word, to inspire terror. Then I wondered, how could it be, that our goal has shifted from being strong in the face of terror to working so hard to prevent it that we become afraid nonetheless?

There was a woman talking on a cell phone. She had a black bag at her feet, and she kept looking around as if nervous. Immediately, I thought, what if she’s a…?

What idiocy is this? Who am I, to look around and label a person a terrorist because she nervously talks on a sleek black phone and there’s a bomb-sized bag at her feet?

Yet I do, and everyone else does. And the faces are grim and the terrors real, and I know then that not one of these people cares a bit about innocence or truth. It becomes that we are afraid because of something that did not happen to us, did not happen near us or because of us and yet we are afraid.

Perhaps it’s the uncaring factor. Perhaps it’s because, in the event of a terrorist attack, we would die without knowing WHY. Why us? Why me? Why anyone? It’s random; not the place, but the people in that place at that time. We’d never know, and so struggle to understand and avoid and eventually it’s becomes true, that there is terror in every decision thus made.

And the terrorists have won.

Possibly, that’s the most logical thing my father has ever said to me. He’s so arrogant sometimes that it kills me. But it’s not from a lack of information.

I thought about writing last night. I have a paper notebook, but my dad has the laptop. This laptop. I can only use it when it’s out, and he’s not using it. Which is rarely. So when I went back into the house last night to scope out the toothpaste, I was also looking for somewhere to write. I pondered starting up my relatives’ computer but decided it would be an unwelcome intrusion. I went back to the car with my 10-year-old Aquafresh dug up from the pits of the bathroom drawer.

I can’t help but wonder, now, if the term Superpower is not flexible. After all, isn’t it true that whomever has control of the mind has control of the body?

I have a dream, sometimes. It’s of a great stone wall that towers over everything, though in this dream “everything” is but the cracked landscape behind me. Nothing of import lives in that barrenness. But nothing at all lives near this wall.

It’s just me. And the wind, and the dirt that hears the wind whisper in a language I can’t speak.

A feel of vastness, and life—danger. I perceive danger beyond the wall.

The dream makes me cry because I know that the wall is my protection, and everything across it is what makes me want to live.

The puppies are restless. I’m keeping a little brown-nosed one who has black stripes running up her nose. We named her “Tiger,” but my mom says if we give her away like we are the other 5 pups, her owners will rename her. “Tiger” is not a girl’s name, it seems. So I’m keeping her.

The blister on my wrist cracked and bled just a bit. Will it never heal?

And I read a good book. A friend of mine told me once that anyone can publish a book. It isn’t such an amazing feat to get something published, not if you have the right agents and the right material. Books get published because people predict that other people will read them. Not for any intelligence level or deeper factor.

He told me that, while anyone can write anything, most books are just actions. Words.

I’ve determined that while it might be just fine to simply say how a person feels, it would be a great accomplishment to be able to convey that through completely unrelated context. It would be a good goal, I think. Something that leads a person to understand more than when they cracked the cover.

Books make me fall in love over and over. Something my drop-out brother and college-bound brother, neither one, really gets. One simply doesn’t read, and the other reads action books, espionage and from start to finish there’s no letting up. It’s nice, sometimes, not to be forced to think. But the mindlessness really bugs me.

I can tell I’ve read a good book because when I finish the last page, there is the wish that it’d go on. More than that is the quiet. The peace.

Then I realize I’ve been learning, the whole time. That there was a deeper meaning, something so subtle and resonant it seemed to sneak between lines and paragraphs. When it’s done, I sit back and for a long time I stare at the wall thinking nothing at all. Because the best ideas are the ones you don’t think about, I guess.  They’re the ones you feel, and can’t really explain in straightforward words and sentences.

And the creation of those peaceful moments is not planning, I’m thinking. But it’s also not reckless writing, not like blogging is. More, it’s knowing what you want people to know, and telling it in the quiet moments. There aren’t many quiet moments in non-stop action novels, unless they’re moments I can’t quite comprehend just yet.

So then you have to think, if there were one thing I would want people to know, what would it be?

Be sure to spray sunscreen on the part of your hair, otherwise it hurts to brush and eventually peels like you wouldn’t believe. No, that’s not dandruff, I swear!

That probably isn’t such a good idea. Though it would be funny if more people started putting sunscreen in their hair, only to realize it doesn’t come out. At least, mine doesn’t. It’d be a decent thought experiment, if anyone had months to waste on writing for the cause.

 

Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia- Fear of the number 666.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words.

I just finished watching Lions for Lambs. My parents didn’t like it, because of the abrupt, unsolved ending but I rather did. It seems more…honest. Movies that end with people getting fired and others dropping out of school aren’t so enjoyable to watch. But then, movies where everything ends up happy are pretty unrealistic. So I suppose you could say this preserves the realism while still maintaining a semblence of hope for the characters…by avoiding the end completely.

The pessimists would say, it failed. People died and the media-governed society went on to live unhappy stereotypes, kept satisfied by tidbits provided by government hands…The optimists would say, no! The government plan was exposed and the journalist regained her dignity and became famous!

And in the end, the soldiers died anyway, no matter the reputations saved or nefarious plans brought to light.

“Just another movie made to criticize the Bush administration,” is how my dad put it.

Well, probably. But I did think it was sort of sad how many high school students don’t know what country borders Minnesota. If the stats were true, I’m assuming.

Eh, war is necessary / war is unnecessary, what’s the difference, huh? You have the protesters out on the streets and the protesters who yell encouragement from their sofas at home. And then you have the protesters who don’t really protest at all until it’s the popular thing to do. I’ve always…disliked bandwagon junkies.

“Is war necessary?”

“Necessary? Naw, but it’s pretty darn essential.”

I could go through and explain how people are built to survive, to be ambitious, to be the top dog and all that. I could say, war keeps things shook up because it does. Keeps the population of third world countries in the balance, as ashamed as I am to say it. It’s a difficulty that brings out the best or the worst in a person, though some might have been better off staying home in their air-conditioned, freeze-dried homes. All nice and safe and they never realize, even when they’re dying or perhaps up until then, what cowards they are. How useless they are at pointing and shooting, or not asking questions. Yes, for some, war is not necessary nor essential because it would prove them to be weaker. I suspect that living in comfort your whole life turns out more cowards than any one country really needs. Or wants to admit. So for some, staying home would likely be the the better option, if not the safer one.

I’d like to say war, on a nation-wide or worldwide scale, is not the necessary thing. More, singular prejudices and the need to survive, to be on top, might lead one person against another person as easily as it would a group of people against a nation.

So no, not war in general. Small wars. Disputes that escalate until third parties decide they can use the opportunity to gain a foothold and jump on board, throw the dice in with one faction or another. Power games, power games–

And then there’re the times when some good comes of it. Everyone knows, that which does not kill you makes you stronger.

Ah, probably not true in the case of wars. But sometimes, on rare occasions, catastrophic loss and sovereign hatred can change. In a horrible, dispicable way…and then sometimes people have the fortitude to learn from their mistakes.

So when we’re gone, when our great-great-great-great grandchildren are bones six feet under, and all the buildings here are razed to the ground and the people have evolved beyond recognition. And every record of past histories has long been buried under change, under evolution and the need to move on…perhaps then, history will repeat itself. Over and over. But only eventually.

I’m all for peace. I love the idea that a person can be whatever she wishes. That a kid can grow up and not be drafted, a father or mother won’t be killed in roadside bombs, or a rift between neighbors won’t form in such a way that the hostility goes on for hundreds of years…

It’s all well and good. Realistically speaking, I even think it’s possible.

But a world without war, I believe, wouldn’t be so alive. The people could live fat and happy until the end of their days but what kind of end is that to civilization? You look in textbooks and see timelines, of past battles, of important people and places…well, they didn’t get there by living in comfort.

In terms of evolving, of making a difference, I don’t think I’d ever want a world without war. I say that because I haven’t seen it, I’m sure, but I can imagine, as that third party, what the consequences would be.

Like I’ve said before, sometimes you try so hard to solve the problem on one side of the boat, you reach so far, that the whole thing ends up tipping before you know what hit you. Except in this case, the boat wouldn’t tip. It’d sink. Slow but sure.

No one probably even understands what I’m trying to say. I’d put it in condensed format but that’d take all the luster out of it. All the meaning because words are just words without a setting and an imagination.

I want to try an example. Imagine…a world where everyone is at war. Every country, every person is at war with his or her neighbor. They live in constant fear. Children are drafted by the army because all the men and women of fighting age had long since died for their government. Values and morals mean nothing. All that drives the fight forward is stubbornness and a cause that is truely meaningless in the face of the body bags stacked in neat five-by-ten rows.

The land is raped by people with guns who call themselves soldiers. Civilians are no longer civilians because they’ve been forced to fight to protect themselves. Perhaps on the homefront, there is some speck of nationalism. In a few people, that is the driving force, that fanaticism. And then you have two types of people, the zealots and the frightened.

The end of the world, some would say. This is the end of the world, but eventually, nature would take its course. Some power would make a subtle, world-changing move and just like that it would end.

The truth, I think, is that if all the world were at war the war would end.

Perhaps not in two years, or two decades, or a century but it would end as sure as it would bring leaders and fighters out of the woodwork. Not like today’s wars, where one faction is depleted and restocks, then launches everything at the other faction who is depleted and restocks…it goes on. Even when one battle is won, there is another around the corner. Even with the victory of one war, there will be another sure as the sun rises and politicians are ambitious.

That’s one side of it. Then you have the possiblility of world peace. Yay! you say. Peace for all!

Things don’t look so good. You’d think peace would bring prosperity to all. But as the wars break up and the soldiers go home to loving, relieved families, there’s a new problem.

War makes people care because it holds hostage what a person loves the most. It takes away a father, a son, a daughter, a niece or nephew and the family is sick with worry. They donate money, set up protest rallies, stand up and believe in something. While all the inner cowards watch from their sofas at home, those with strength enough get up and do something. The threat propels them forward.

So what happens when there is no threat?

Beauty. Pages and pages of it, in every magazine and newspaper. Articles about celebrities, about new technology that cures cancer, about people rescuing cats from burning buildings and saving the blue whale.

Families are whole. There is no need for defenses, so Homeland Security and such organizations are split up and sent off. Food supplies are flown to impoverished countries and not a single child starves. In the U.S., the cities grow bigger than ever, bloated with immigrants and population booms. Buildings rise higher, bridges taller, streets longer. There are gardens, and art galleries and bakeries where once there were recruiting stations and army bases.

Years go by. The gardens are still there, wilted and brown from pollution, but they’re still there. Fire rescue is no longer needed because some scientist somewhere, who was no longer needed to fight in the wars, has invented a fire-proof, water-proof material with which to build homes. Another, somewhere else, has created a hands-off automatic pastry machine. Bakery employees are unneeded, and go off to seek other jobs. The art galleries are closed and converted into housing to accomodate the growing population. All the art, now, is online. With a click of a button, anyone around the world can visit the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

People don’t walk anymore. They are carried, by moving sidewalks and escalators for steps and they don’t even have to stand, if they don’t want to. In fact, they don’t even have to work. There are machines to do it for them! With such a high unemployment rate, the goverment is forced to go on a set-salary scale for every person, which of course they should’ve done long ago.

Journals publish musings by everyone. It becomes the law for them to accept every piece of work, so as not to create dissention within society. Even the prisons are shut down, because all of the prisoners are either rehabilitated or dead. There’s a strict death penalty, because of course no one wants to deal with criminals who will only try to provoke fighting, and fighting is bad.

No war, no crime, no effort.

It’s the end of the world, I would say. Not only would it eventually lead to a utopia (I’ve always hated utopias), but it would mean that no one meant anything. Each person would be reduced to that tally mark when the government official comes around and takes polls. One more number in the census, one more equal paycheck. No one would ever mean anything, would ever have purpose beyond living. Living for the sake of being alive might sound well and good, but it’s the reasons for living that give being alive its meaning.

Some disaster would come. Perhaps we would have steel walls and fire-proof homes. Perhaps we would never have cancer, or wars, and women wouldn’t get raped walking home and men wouldn’t get jumped for the twenty dollar bill in their pockets. But something would change everything, something no one could suspect.

It could be a disease. With nothing else to do, the government puts its head to genetic mutation research and what could the protesters say–at least they’re not making bombs! Some small anomaly would go wrong and disease would spread throughout the entire world. Unstoppable, because of that singular, all-enclusive arrogance and comfort that comes with peace.

Yeah, we forgot that part, didn’t we?

Live in one way for too long and you start taking it for granted. So when a virus, a new, never-before-seen one sweeps through the water system what defense do we have against it?

It could be a meteor. One big enough that it would kill any civilization, warlike or not. But at least the warring peoples would be wary enough, at the first signs of trouble, to take cover. At least they would be tough enough to withstand a trauma that no white-bread, spoiled, never-worked-a-day-in-his-life man wouldn’t.

Even if something like that didn’t happen, what would be the point of living if not to try to make something better? If nothing you did would ever change a thing, why do anything at all?

Sheep. We’d be sheep.

I like to think we have wars for a reason. That we have crime for a reason, and not just to make us tougher or learn from our mistakes. Not even to push us forward, that necessity would cause a society to develop new, advanced technology. Not even that.

Living in the absence of fear would be the worst thing that could happen. It would make the lower classes into those “pompous rich folk” some people so criticize. It would lower the uppers, until their way of life was not special at all and everyone would be equal.

Equality is one of those things that is better left imperfect.

I don’t enjoy the thought of people in pain. Of early death, of violence. But I also believe in the necessity of it, on some level. Not wars–wars might keep us on our toes but they aren’t exactly good for anything besides keeping that population line down. Without it, gruesome as it may be, I do believe the people who don’t die would be a whole lot worse off. In the long run, that is. I’ve always been thinking in the long run here.

-Shrug- Just thoughts. Just thoughts on the nature of war and the balance of peace and conflict, the balance that shapes heroes and allows healthy childhoods at the same time. Nothing important, I’m sure, though I really do think humanity is poking the bull and isn’t quite expecting the bull to pole back. Whatever you might take that to mean.

Baa.

At my brother’s graduation a few weeks ago, the valedictorian spoke. I don’t remember much of it, because it seemed so monotonous except for the end when a few people threw up their hats and looked like ‘tards because the hats got lost. That wasn’t half bad.

Before then, I’d never heard the quote, “What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.”

I could kiss that valedictorian, though he looked ready to faint as it was.

I’ve decided it’s a pessimist’s nightmare. Surely, everyone knows that our past defines who and where we are. Surely, it is common knowledge that every moment of every day must be spent preparing for the future. Else, when that time comes that you look around and find yourself lacking, you know where you went wrong. Because you didn’t spend every moment searching for that perfect solution. The “right” path, the shortest one.

If you ask me, it’s always looking ahead that lands a person in sinkholes or stepping on snakes.

The school, it teaches a kid to prepare for what’s next. So with each step, there’s nothing lacking. Nothing is missing in the inventory, every bit of knowledge gleaned is there, ready to be used.

I don’t like that. I happen to be a believer in difficulty, that what doesn’t kill a person makes them stronger. It seems to bring out either the very, very best in a person…or the very, very worst.

It seems a sad way to live. But in the long run, I guess that doesn’t matter so much.

My favorite stories are the underdog ones. Mostly, the ones where the unlikely heroine rises up to save her people, her home, her everything–and succeeds. In the end, even if it’s difficult to recognize, there is a happy ending. Well, mayhap not a happy ending, but there’s hope. Hope is always good. It leaves a certain warm feeling in the pit of the stomach. Always a positive sign if a book does that to you.

I can’t help but think, if real life were a book no one would get their way because everyone would win. Though truthfully, I really don’t want to read about failure and loss and more failure stacked up. And then the story ends.

It does seem more honest. I lie. Perhaps that’s why I value honesty so much, because I know what it costs.

So I can’t really say that I believe what a person has got in them is all they’ll ever need. So I won’t. I don’t know it for certain, either way, and perhaps some people go their whole life without knowing. That’s why I’d want to go through the very worst of times, so I could know if what I’ve got in me is enough. Enough for…what?

-Shrug- No easy answer. Enough for…everything. For being able to look ahead while watching the ground for those sneaky snakes and sinkholes.

An essay, in school, is written based on logic and fact. No wonder the only thing we seem to concentrate on is what’s ahead, despite the past being important and character being even more critical. That’s all most people like to see, I suppose. The light, the “bright future,” what comes next. A notion likely to expand into fantasy when encouraged in…what would you call me? An impressionable young mind? Ah, yes. That’s it. Think only of the future, think only of the future, think only of–what’s that? Character?! Values?! Individuality?!?!

A foreign creature, that.

I’m back! And, I must admit, I know a lot more than when I started out.

I realized, for one, that I’ve never ridden the city bus. Probably because I don’t live quite in the city, per say, but still…makes me wonder what it takes to ride. Then my friend–the owl I went to the lake with–admitted that she doesn’t want to learn how to drive until it’s completely necessary, so I wondered if she’ll become like my aunt and take the bus everywhere ^_^

But that isn’t so important. Just a thought. What scared me was…the indian reservation. That was really creepy.

The lake we went to for the tournament was up in the mountains. The cabins were actually located on an indian reservation, and to get to them we had to drive through hard-core ghetto. I mean, this wasn’t like, a few run-down houses or anything…this was people beating each other up on the street corners.

We drove past two indian girls who were trying to punch each others’ lights out. One of them fell and rolled down a hill and the other girl just kept right at her. Then there was a group of teenagers all dressed in black hanging out on the street corner. They would throw rocks at cars and harangue anyone passing by, but no one stopped or dared breathe a word. We sped up.

Every house was run down. The porches were stooped, and splinters of wood stuck out of the ground. One front yard was crammed with rusted, ancient cars missing wheels or engines or doors. “I bet not one of those runs,” my friend’s dad said when we went by. And I couldn’t help but agree.

Up at the lake, her mother was talking about how she works with a man whose wife is of indian descent. She and her son live off the reservation, and the family has for generations. Yet every month, like clockwork, there comes a check for each one of them, for one thousand dollars. The government sends out checks to every indian or person of indian descent in this tribe, for one thousand dollars, every month. Every month of every year. That’s $12,000 a year, $120,000 in ten years. By the time this woman’s son is fifteen years old, he will have been given $180,000.

That’s more money that many people ever see at one time.

I don’t mean to be hypocritical. I really don’t. But something seems wrong with this picture. We’re driving through ghettos. The school is fenced off with eight-foot steel and barbed wire fencing. The houses are ready to collapse, cars are discarded once they break down the first time, and kids don’t have much else to do but join gangs and beat each other up on street corners.

Really. I don’t get it, and it scares me.

Once, my dad told me that I don’t have the advantage. I’m human, but I’m white and middle-class. Do you know how many people have those same qualifications? And they’re all better at this or that, better at doing it than me. While others might struggle from poverty, from discrimination, from abuse–this same class struggles from mediocrity. From excess.

There are problems. Issues. There’s global warming, and impoverished countries, and neglect. And then there comes a point where, in the course of working to correct these problems, we tip the boat. All the weight is on one side and it flips, without us even realizing it. Because as we get closer to the water, to the answer, we forget ourselves.

It seems to be a common theme. It is a righteous cause, I believe, to donate money for scholarships and such. To become a missionary and travel to third-world countries where there is little. But between feeding starving children and saving the spotted owl…what’s left on the homefront?

My dad also told me that there are plenty of scholarships. The only qualification is Latino blood, or indian blood. Apply and these people win scholarships left and right because in the end, not many apply for them. Not many make the decision to go that extra step. Each year, millions in scholarship money goes left unclaimed by minority donors. And each year, thousands of others are disappointed when they can’t go to college because they can’t earn enough to get there.

I don’t get it. It scares me to think, people become so focused on one thing…

At the start, there was prejudice. There was hate, gender discrimination. Then comes the improvement, where people begin to take notice and care. They go from one side of the boat, to the middle, and for a while everything seems equal.

Until what happens is they reach so far for that equality that they forget, it’s supposed to be equal.

I like to think that everyone is given the same chance. A lot of people do, I think. But it’s harder, being intelligent in a large group, rather than being intelligent in a small one.

Again, I don’t want to sound like I’m prejudiced. I’m just…observing. I care, but not in a negative way. In the way that if I could change things, if I could give others more chances, make them willing to go farther, I would.

But my friend’s parents are right. The cabins were broken down, flooded, leaking, neglected, the roads horrible on cars, the service impatient and uncaring. It made her parents say, “If I got a thousand dollars from the government every month, I wouldn’t work very hard either.”

So true. What is the money for? I believe part of it is for reparations. For deeds no one here did, or was here to suffer for. The past is the past, or so they say. Live in comfort too long and you start taking it for granted that it’ll always be there. And you don’t grow up knowing you have to work for what you get.

I think it’s conscience that keeps those checks coming. We (or I, at least) learn in school about how cruel the first settlers were, and we feel the urge to fix something that cannot be fixed. It’s like…shutting the barn door after the horses have escaped. Or repairing the hole in the roof after the ceiling has collapsed.

That’s one of the things I learned, I think: the U.S. is built on the conscience of many and the placation by few.

It wasn’t a bad trip. One of the funnier times was when my friend and her mom took a shower (after we fixed the showerhead so it actually sprayed water rather than dripped). Then I took one, and sat on the couch when I came out. My friend was like to her mother, “Did you see that spider in the tub?” Her mother just said, “Yeah. I stayed on my side of the shower from it.” My friend agreed but I was just like, “Oh, the spider? That must’ve been the one I killed.” :D

They’re spider lovers. I don’t blame them, but anything with more than four legs creeps the heck out of me.

I killed it with a bar of soap. X_X

This is the last time I write for a while. A while being, until Monday, perhaps. I’m going on a trip into the mountains (ahh! Mountains in the deep southwest??) with my best buddy. It’s supposed to be for her mom; some kind of cop fishing tournament. Now how strange does that sound?

And the week after that, I’m jumping on a plane and going to see gorgeous, smoggy California with my dad (erg) for a week to learn how to water ski. Sigh. And here I thought vacation was for relaxing.

But no, owls are for night, shampoo is for hair, and vacation is for…making the best out of what little leeway you’re given.

By the way, I did an interview by some Pakistani blog a few weeks ago and forgot to mention it.

http://www.pakspectator.com/interview-with-blogger-sara/

The end is so corny it made my head want to meet the wall. Ugh. There are some things you can’t undo, and others you pretend don’t exist because you can’t accept that they can’t be undone. This is one of those.

I know what my best buddy (the night owl!) would say to that. Something along the lines of, It wasn’t so bad.

Yes, I live for melodrama. -dies-

Several things I want to mention while I’m at it. First, is that all my creative juices are leaking. CREATIVE juices, thank you very much. Maybe this trip will do me good. But knowing who it is I’m going with, it’ll more likely drain me and wring me out to dry. :) She’ll like that one.

Secondly, yay! I heard several of the local Quiznos and the nearby Quikmart have decided they won’t serve tomatoes anymore. I have a brother working at one of each. Apparently (though I haven’t heard the news in the while), there’s a salmonella breakout. Guy dies, almost two hundred afflicted. I bet that killed the tomato industry real fast. So I was a little suspicious when I discovered a tomato lurking beneath the bun of my sandwich…and then realized, what the heck! I downed Peter Pan PB during the last crisis. And it’s not like I eat tomatoes by the barrel, anyway.

If I don’t reappear in a few weeks, call me dead and tell mom she can have the dog back. And her chapstick, but it’s almost gone.

I’ve been watching movies all day. That’s my life now that school’s out. I’m such a party animal, sometimes I can’t even stand it. My idea of a fun time is sleeping ’til noon and eating chocolate while watching action movies with kick-butt heroines. How can it get any better than that?
Now that I’m being dragged out of exile…Sigh. I’ll write later. I can’t think of anything meaningful to say. Wasted words make my eye twitch like hammy actors never have.

I guess some things weren’t meant to be deep, huh? Just actions, just thoughts. Just words.

Ok, I’m convinced. There has to be something bigger out there. Something better, that most people aren’t even aware of. I’m not talking about living, or dreaming, or reaching those dreams. I’m talking about being heard. Everyone–well, perhaps not everyone–wants to be heard. Wants to know their words are being read; and not somewhere where the words will disappear and never truly mean a thing.

I’m convinced there is some way…Ah, it is a terrible thing, the struggle to write with your heart. But it leads a person to want more, to want to change where the logical thinker know this is what everyone else wants, and what chance do they have? None. Yet, there is that throbbing, that wish.

It is an easy thing to write. To simply think and record your thoughts. To write, and know that at the end of your story lies a happy ending. But it is not so easy to write with a passion that transcends surface ideas, that goes beyond what you think to what you feel. Even harder is writing in such a way that these feelings have an effect upon the reader. To have a purpose, beyond words on a page. To make hearts beat faster, to make a sweat of fear form, to be the cause of a smile, any smile. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, or ever will do, I think.

I’m not there yet. Maybe someday I will be. But I need…experience. I need practice. I need change. Where can I find change?

Sigh.